How to ask for what you want in bed - introducing the Bossy Massage

How are you at asking for what you want in bed?

If you want a satisfying sex life, it’s so important to be able to be able to say what you DO and DON’T want. And it’s equally vital that you and your partner can listen to each other’s needs and give and ask for feedback.

But here the thing, very many of us find it really hard to say anything about the sexual touch we are receiving - there are loads of reasons for this; maybe we’re shy and embarrassed, or we fear hurting our partner or we are afraid the touch will stop all together.

So if you know you’re not great at asking for you what you want and need a little help, that’s where the Bossy Massage comes in.

One thing I've learned as a sex therapist is that many people find it really hard to communicate their needs - me included! This is especially true when it comes to our sexual desires, preferences and dislikes and generally vocalising what turns us on. Whilst can be challenging to express those needs, it's a skill that can be improved and once it becomes easier - you can enjoy more pleasure, more fun and deeper intimacy.

Bossy Massage helps you both communicate better

I learned the Bossy Massage from Betty Martin on her amazing ‘Like A Pro’ training. It’s a fabulous way to get a little more comfortable with asking for what you want. It’s designed to elicit feedback, direction and guidance so we can improve communication with our partners and find a way of comfortably communicating our needs during our sexual encounters. But crucially, Bossy Massage is also fun! You’re purposely exaggerating the roles, so you’re stepping into those ‘bossy’ shoes. It’s a chance to try something new, just for a short period of time.

It’s a game with only two roles

So what does Bossy Massage involve? Firstly, it’s not really a massage - it’s any kind of touch. There are only two roles to play - The Boss (or Guide) and The Toucher. The Boss is in charge, so it’s their job to let The Toucher know exactly what they want, how they want it and where. The Toucher’s role is to do precisely as The Boss says. They’re not to interpret or follow their intuition; just do as requested. However, both parties must be in full consent, so if at any point The Toucher is not happy to carry out an instruction, they have to voice that and say no or suggest an adjustment that makes it possible to give. If The Boss doesn’t give directions for at least 30 seconds, The Toucher should stop and wait for them to do so.

How to get started with Bossy Massage

Before you get started, set your ground rules...

• What boundaries do you want to implement?
• Do you want to stay clothed?
• Are any areas off-limits?
• Is anything off-limits?
• Negotiate and establish your boundaries before you get started.

Once you’ve established those ground rules, decide who’s taking on The Boss’s role and who will be The Toucher. You can then set a timer and begin.

The Boss asks for touch (when you are ready) it might take a long time and that's ok. The request might be "I want you to place a hand on my back in the middle."

The Toucher does this touch for 5-10 seconds. Then they step back and wait for the next thing.

This time frame is to prevent any possibility of going along with.

It’s a good idea to start with just 3-5 minutes initially until you’re comfortable in each role. You can then increase the timer as needed.

Once the timer has gone off, set it for another 3-5 minutes - but take this time to debrief. Discuss how it felt to give and receive direction and if there’s anything you can do to improve that experience for both you and your partner.

You can then switch roles, reset the timer and repeat.

Bossy Massage is a great way to improve communication and learn how to effectively voice your needs. If you’d like to broaden the experience, you could have a themed session - i.e. an Erotic Bossy Massage or a Sensual Bossy Massage, - you can vary how you make requests or bring in an element of domination/submission role-play - by acting as if The Toucher has to learn how to do it really well and is given praise for doing so. And, of course, you could extend the time period by seeing if you can carry it out for an entire love-making session!

I hope you have lots of fun stepping fully into your bossy side!

If you're interested in learning more to improve your relationship you can join me on a coaching programme, in a private session or on a free masterclass. Why not book a 15-minute call here to chat further?