How to be more like lovers than housemates.

Hello, I'm Nicola Foster, a couples and sex therapist. In this article, I'm offering three practical suggestions to support couples who have noticed they feel like housemates and have lost connection with each other as lovers.

Most of us are juggling many roles.

You might be a parent, a carer for elderly parents, a co-worker, a business owner, a member of a tribe, or a volunteer in the local community—and a romantic partner.

Intimate relationships can fall to the bottom of the priority list. You may have been working in separate places and only come together in the evening. How do you navigate your need for space and your need to connect? How do you create meaningful time for intimacy and meaningful time for yourself and not just exist in some merged, amorphous middle ground?

Here are three suggestions for ways to develop more intimacy in your connection and avoid the mundanity of being on autopilot:

1. Make Time for Conscious, Intimate Connection

   • Actively ring-fence time for nourishing 'we' connection.
   • Engage in activities like holding each other in a close embrace and talking quietly with the TV and phones off, taking a shower or bath together, or watching a movie that you've actively chosen in advance.
   • Choose something meaningful that has the potential for deep connection between you.

2. Together Space and Alone Space

   • Identify zones in your house for different activities and ensure there's a designated space where each of you can be alone sometimes.
   • Balance this by agreeing on a time when you will be intentionally more connected and sharing the space.
   • For example, make time to cook a delivery meal box together and enjoy the process, or go outside together to look at the stars, even if just for a few minutes.
   • Have a conversation about how much alone time you each need and how you can help each other achieve it.

3. Have an Intimate, Honest Conversation

   • Plan a time for an honest, real, and authentic conversation.
   • Raise any difficulties or share something on your mind that feels vulnerable.
   • Follow these key tips:
     • Decide who this conversation is primarily for.
     • Sit close enough to touch—knees in contact.
     • Make eye contact (looking away as much as you need to stay relaxed).
     • Reflect back what your partner says to check that you understood them.
     • Share what you're experiencing in your body (e.g., "my heart is racing," or "my belly is tight").

When we share what's going on in our bodies with our partners, when we sit together with a little bit of contact, when we risk a little bit of eye contact and some physical touch, it's completely different from just having a normal day-to-day conversation.

Real magic can happen. It might not be easy, but the more you risk being in honest connection with each other, the less the risk of drifting apart and becoming more like housemates.