Clean Anger: How to Express Anger and Stay Connected

Everyday we experience a continual flow of emotional responses, and anger is one of them.  This blog is about how to manager anger in relationships so it can help you grow together as opposed to further apart,  and have healthier, happier relating. 

Anger is a normal and appropriate emotion to express when boundaries are crossed. Often, it’s not the anger itself that causes problems in a relationship - it’s how you express it, or not - bottling it up so it comes out as complaining or unacknowledged irritability. The key thing is to learn how to express our feelings in a healthy, responsible and appropriate way - and that’s where clean anger comes in.

Clean anger

Clean anger is expressing your feelings responsibly and appropriately. You’re being direct and proportionate in your anger. It’s about being willing to listen to each other and express your response in a way that leads to a conversation and, ultimately, a solution you can both work with.

THIS IS KEY: You can be angry and still come from a place of heart-centered loving energy.

If you just want to say your piece, not let the other person talk and spend your time blaming them, you’re just heading for an argument that will leave you both feeling drained and angry.

This ‘dirty anger’ is the type of anger that leaves you both feeling unheard, impacts negatively on your health and often weakens your relationship to the point where you end up breaking up.

You both matter in your relationship

Let’s not forget, when it comes to expressing anger, the person on the receiving end is usually someone who matters to you! Think about the future and long term potential damage anger can cause to your relationship. Will this argument help you feel better? Will expressing your anger help the other person understand how you feel? Will arguing convince the other person you’re right?

That’s why it’s important to remember; it doesn't work to meet anger with anger. It's a spiral down. The person who is angry needs to feel they’re being heard. They could be feeling hurt, vulnerable, sad or even pain, and they need time to process and calm down. If you're on receiving end, can you practice active listening and give your partner the time and space to calm down?

Caveat - if you suspect you are in a relationship with someone with ongoing, unhealthy anger issues, then this blog is not the advice for you - look up 'Coercive Control' to learn about abuse and anger. I will write more on this in a future blog.

How to manage the anger

Firstly, you both need to take responsibility for your part. You can agree ahead of time what your plan of action is when anger comes up. You may need to agree on a period of timeout to give you both some space to calm down. Make sure to include a discussion about when you’re going to come back and discuss things.

Secondly, I recommend the practice of deep breathing. Breathe in for a count of four, hold for two and then release your breath to a count of eight. Long exhales help our nervous system to regulate and stabilise.

Anger the clean way

When you’re ready to both come back and discuss things, first take a moment time to understand why you’re angry. What boundary has been crossed? Then express that using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ ones. e.g. I felt upset when you were late as I was worried.

Also, avoid degrading language, attacking and name-calling. Focus on coming up with a solution, not making the other person feel bad.

Look to keep on topic. Choose a single topic and stick to that issue. Remember, it’s about the problem, not the other person. Take turns when talking and keep voices at normal levels - yelling isn’t going to help find a solution or help you better express your point of view. It will also cause disregulation in the other person and make things worse.

And finally, know that stonewalling isn’t going to help. Retreating and refusing to discuss anything isn’t going to help either of you feel better or move forward. If it’s all a little too much for you or gets a little too heated, have another timeout. Then agree to come back again once you’re ready to practice clean anger and express your feelings responsibly and appropriately (See my blog on John Gottman's 'Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse')

If you’re struggling to express your feelings in relationships or need a little help forming better relationships, I can help. I’ve seen many individuals and couples deepen and improve their relationships, so contact me to find out how I can help you - you’ll find my contact details here.