How to really HEAR each other. 👂🏼👂🏼 Introducing the Initiator-Inquirer process.

Initiator-Inquirer, a communication method crafted by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson from The Couples Institute is my go to tool for couples to begin to create space and better understanding with each other.

It's a brilliant structured approach to support better understanding in relationships.

Let's delve into why:

Why Do I Use Initiator-Inquirer?

By slowing down, and creating space to really hear each other - it creates a very different way of communicating. Each person is able to express their way of seeing things - without blame, judgment or interruption. 

How does the Initiator-Inquirer process work:

There are two roles. The Initiator is the partner who who shares by introducing a topic and sharing their personal experience. The inquirer’s only role is to listen and repeat what they heard.

Each partner takes turns. In therapy we might give one partner a whole session as Initiator and then swap in the next session. Or, it's more taking in turns in one session.
 

The Initiator Role:

• Speak from your own experience.
• Focus on one issue or concern.
• State facts without judgment.
• Be open to self-discovery.

The Inquirer Role:

• Actively listen.
• Repeat an overview of the issue in your partner's words.
• Ask clarifying questions.
• Respond with empathy.
• Don't make it about you.

Challenges and Learning:

• Executing these seemingly simple tasks can be a challenge - but it gets easier with practice.
• Patience is key, this is not how we usually communicate!

Guidelines for the Initiator Role:

1. Focus on one issue only: Avoid overwhelming your partner by sticking to one topic at a time.
2. Express your feelings and thoughts: Dive deeper into emotional expression, acknowledging complex feelings.
3. Avoid blaming, accusing, or name-calling: Create a space for open dialogue by steering clear of defensive tactics.
4. Be open to self-discovery: Embrace the opportunity to learn more about yourself through the conversation.

Reminders for the Initiator Role:

1. "This is my problem – it’s an expression of who I am – it’s about me revealing myself and being willing to express my own thoughts and feelings."
2. "This process is about my willingness to take a risk to speak or discover my truth and about my ability to tolerate the expression of our differences."

Guidelines for the Inquirer Role:

1. Active Listening: Listen attentively to the Initiator's words and expressions.

2. Repetition of Overview: Repeat an overview of the issue in the Initiator's words to ensure understanding.

3. Clarifying Questions: Ask questions to clarify the Initiator's perspective, not to convince or argue.

4. Empathetic Response: Respond with empathy to create a supportive and non-judgmental space.

5. Continued Empathy: Maintain empathy throughout the conversation, acknowledging and understanding the Initiator's feelings.

Reminders for the Inquirer Role:

1. "This is not my problem – my partner is their own person with their own thoughts and feelings."

2. "This process is about my willingness to hear a different point of view and not take it personally"

Check out the Couples Institute here for books, blogs and other great resources https://www.couplesinstitute.com/for-couples/

If you want help with your Intimate Relationships - check out my Intensives.