The Journey to Secure Attachment

attachment conscious relationships Feb 15, 2022

I've frequently had clients worry that they are too needy. And when I ask them to tell me more - they need reliability, connection, responsiveness.

These are healthy needs. It's not wrong to want to feel trust in another person - it's a healthy human survival strategy.

The need to belong is one of our most powerful drives. We want our relationships to feel as safe as possible - secure. And it’s this journey to find secure attachment that brings us to discuss the importance of understanding attachment theory.

What is attachment theory?

If you haven't come across attachment theory it's a powerful framework for understanding how we have developed in relationships. As babies, we form bonds with our caregivers and depending on how that first relationship with a caregiver forms, we develop strategies to stay safe in relationships.

And it’s no different as adults.

When we get close to someone, and how safe we feel in that relationship, is influenced by the attachment style we developed as an infant. It then dictates how we react in that relationship when stressful situations arise.

Attachment theory began with the work of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in the 1950s. They identified 4 main styles of attachment - secure, insecure anxious, insecure avoidant (or anxious avoidant), and disorganised (or fearful). You can read more about these individual styles in my blog ‘Introducing Attachment…’.

You’re not defined by one attachment style

The problem with identifying relationship attachment styles is it’s easy to get defined as just one. But in reality, it’s unlikely to be true. We all have different styles of attachment for the different people in our lives. You’re not defined by one single attachment style.

Attachment theory is a complex area, and your attachment styles change in different relationships and over time and in contextual situations.

It can be useful to learn more about your range of attachment styles in order to gain a better insight into your relationships. You can start to see why you act a certain way, and escape the patterns you’ve created. This is super empowering and gives you deep insight into yourself and into those you are dating or relating with.

What is secure attachment?

Secure attachment happens when we trust the other person and don’t become too anxious when relating with each other.

When we find a way to relate from a secure attachment we find being in that intimate relationship relatively easy. We feel accepted - and able to express our feelings, needs and desires openly. When we can be secure in our relationships, we’re more likely to build a deep, meaningful relationship that will last.

You can grow and develop a more secure attachment

So how can you grow and develop a more secure attachment in your intimate relationships?

It begins with working on your own capacity to soothe yourself. When we can turn towards our own needs and know how to centre and ground ourselves, we don't need to rely on a partner to do it for us. And, sometimes we want to be able to lean on them. By working on our own wounds and trauma in therapy or in friendships - we can build resilience and more capacity for ourselves.

You also build security by having issues come up and working through them together. It's by navigating disconnections, disagreement and conflict and working on what's needed to repair and reconnect that you build more safety.

Secure relationships are built by learning how to 'rupture and repair'.

A healthy relationship is one where you BOTH feel equally seen, valued, supported. Are you creating space for your partner to feel accepted, respected and allowed to grow and change? It's a dance to honour each of you as you develop and grow on your human journey.

Developing a more secure attachment is slow and steady work. And it's rewarding. Of course, working with a relationship therapist is a great way to get support in changing any negative cycles you've become stuck in. You can contact me here for details on how to work with me.

Recommended resources

If you’re looking for books that can help you understand more about attachment theory and how to create secure attachments in your relationship, I have a few resources recommendations for you.

Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep - love by Amir Levine is a good introduction - although a little unhelpful around the anxious-avoidant style.

Also, I’d highly recommend:

The Power Of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller, as it’s more nuanced and has some great practical suggestions for growth.

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