Understanding your libido: Learn about your 'brakes and accelerators' and shift your love life up a gear

Brakes and accelerators aren’t words that you’d typically hear in everyday conversations about arousal. But if you’re looking to figure out your libido, learning about what turns you on and off is crucial. How you respond to sex isn’t just down to your hormones or mood - you also need to know about those brakes and accelerators.

The dual control model

The dual control model (or the sexual excitation system) was research carried out by researchers Janssen and Bancroft in the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction[1]. They came up with the concept that we all have different stimuli that help us become aroused and inhibit or shut down our arousal. Then Emily Nagoski, in her book ‘Come As You Are’[2], that came up with the phrase ‘brakes and accelerators’ to describe this model. It’s such a good analogy and an excellent book - I highly recommend you get yourself a copy of it.

Your sexual response is created by the two mechanisms in your central nervous system - your SES and SIS. The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is working unconsciously, scanning around to receive information about what's sexually relevant to you. If it finds things you like, it can lead to arousal. However, the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) can put the brakes on that arousal. It’s this system that’s scanning the environment, looking for anything your brain interprets as a reason not to get aroused.

If you want to support your own arousal, you need to learn how to find a balance between these two systems.

It's all about CONTEXT

Context plays a huge part in how you respond. Whether you're turned on or off is highly dependent on the context. The environment around you, the circumstances you’re in, and what you’re thinking, as a result, will all impact how aroused you can get.

So by understanding yourself and what your personal brakes and accelerators are you can become more empowered around sex.

So, what can put the brakes on arousal?

There are two types of brakes - external threats and internal feelings.  Context and environment play a huge part in how turned on you feel. Your senses get involved in this too. What you smell, task, hear and imagine, all come into play and help you decide how aroused you feel. So if you're cold or there is distracting noise it can be harder to become turned on.

Internal feelings will impact it too. Low body image is a common fear, as well as fears around contraception or reputation.

The pressure of modern life means that tiredness, stress, overwhelm are some of the most common brakes for many women and men.

If you're struggling with getting aroused, a powerful question to consider is this - Is it because my accelerator is not being activated, or is this something pressing on my brakes? Then what lifestyle changes can you make to reduce the impact of these inhibiting factors?

Putting your foot on the gas

The other aspect is taking responsibility for your own turn on.  When was the last time you explored what turns you on? Could you tell your partner your favourite fantasy scenarios? Do you know what you need more of in bed? When did you last self-pleasure? 

I recommend reading the whole book 'Come As You Are' - you’ll find it in both online and offline bookstores and if you and your partner would like to reignite intimacy in your relationship - check out my online course 'Reigniting Intimacy' which is designed to help you reconnect as lovers and give you a treasure trove of new ideas for building and deepening your sex life.

[1] Bancroft, J., Graham, C. A., Janssen, E., & Sanders, S. A. (2009). The dual control model: Current status and future directions. Journal of Sex Research, 46, 212–142.
[2] Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are. (2015)