Whose turn is it anyway? (How to make initiating sex in your relationship easier)

Ideas for initiating sex

Even in today's more liberated and sex-positive culture there can still be taboos around initiating sex. This article examines some of the challenges and offers practical suggestions and ideas about how to initiate intimacy if you're stuck in a rut.

Some of us worry about being 'too much'. For others, the fear of rejection is huge and especially so when it comes to sex. After all, in sex we are at our most naked and vulnerable, we are exposed and we want desperately to be accepted and loved. No wonder it can feel like high stakes.

So sometimes rather than risk making a direct request, we opt for subtle signals instead - wearing nice underwear,  a favourite perfume, a stroke of their arm or back. But if our signals are too subtle, they might be easily missed.

The thing is we’re not mind readers. And because it's highly unlikely in long term relationships that both of you have the spontaneous desire at the same time, you're going to need to talk about it.

Initiating sex - having brave conversations

So how can you initiate sex? You can start by understanding more about how you both experience arousal and desire. Ask each other questions:  How do you like to be asked? What do you do that doesn’t work and what isn’t working for you right now? How do you like to be touched? Do you prefer to be asked or touched? Subtle or direct? Are there external things that help you feel more in the mood? Lighting? Music? Certain scents? Of course, things can change depending on mood and situation, but it's so helpful to learn about each other preferences.

You may be in a relationship where one of you has generally higher desire than the other. It's very common and can cause friction and frustration for both of you.

One recommendation I have in these situations is to agree to stop trying to initiate sex in ways you have before and spend more time being physically close to each other. Research shows that more general physical intimacy leads to more sexual intimacy - so take a little time and then try some of the ideas below.

The Fridge Magnet game

If you’re looking for a playful way of letting your partner know how you're in the mood, without having a conversation, fridge magnets can help! This idea is excellent and one I picked up from an article by sex guru Tracy Cox. She suggests using fridge magnets as a barometer for how in the mood you feel.

You start by choosing a magnet each and sticking them on your fridge, deciding where the middle bar will be. If you feel in the morning that you may be in the mood that evening, you move your fridge magnet up. Not in the mood? Move your fridge magnet down.

The 1-10 number system

Another more conversational way of talking your level of interest  - and many couples I've worked with have used this and got on well with it - is having a check-in conversation using the simple 1 to 10 number system.

You use the numbers as a barometer of how you feel. So, you may be in bed and say, 'You know, on that 1-10 system, where are you?' or 'I'm just letting you know that on the 1-10 system I'm high; I'm an eight.' or 'I'm just letting you know on the 1-10 system I'm actually a three, but I'm curious about whether that might go up if we kissed for a while.' You can use this numbering system to see if you're in the same territory and get to know where each other's desires are. It's a great way to learn about each other's levels and to explore how you each are with responsive desire.

Do some research of your own

A great way to expand your repertoire of ways to initiate is to educate yourself on sex and relationships. There are some fantastic uTube channels to explore, including Hanna Witton’s YouTube channel and Come Curious’s channel.

Once you find an idea that appeals to you, you can make a generous offer to your partner - "I've seen this new thing - would you like me to do this to you or would you like to do it to me". It's important, of course, be willing to hear a no and manage your own feelings  - see my blog on Handling Rejection for support. 

Sex in long term partnerships requires nurture and effort - and it's so worth it! When you feel close to your partner, other challenging aspects of life are so much easier to cope with.

If you're in a relationship with a mismatch and you'd like some support - I'm updating my course 'Reigniting Intimacy' right now and will be running it as programme with group support calls in October 2022. To book a free 15 minute call with me to see if it's going to be right for you - book here.

Sign up for my "20 Ways to Rebuild Intimacy" now. 

You get 20 tried and tested exercises to rekindle intimacy - with conversation prompts, clearly laid out exercises and discussion guides to help with everyday intimacy, sexual intimacy and bringing back some romance.