Have you got your new year priorities right? 5 preventive steps to save your relationship from decline.

At this time of year, many of us are thinking about how we can improve our weight, our house, our health,  or planning where we might go on holiday. 

But I wonder how many of us are thinking about investing time in improving our relationships?

Bottom of the list?

As a couples therapist a lot of couples come to me when their relationship is at breaking point. It takes a huge amount of work to get back from that place. 

Or individuals come for support following a breakup,  unable to reconcile what went wrong and wishing they had addressed issues years earlier.

In this blog, I’m sharing five preventative steps you can take right now to invest in your primary relationship - to improve your foundations and help you build a brighter,  happier future together. And the best thing is not only will this impact your happiness but it has a knock-on effect on your family and friends. 

1.  Support each other’s dreams

Each of us is here to have a unique experience of life - and to make some kind of difference,  no matter how big or small.

Sometimes in a relationship we forget this.  In the busyness of family life,  and of taking care of each other (and each other’s vulnerabilities) we can lose sight of our individual hopes and dreams.

If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is to get curious about their hopes and dreams and be their biggest cheerleader.

In a couple dynamic, this might not be easy. It might cost you. For example, if your partner's dream is to take three months to hike across America, and that isn't a dream you share, it might be difficult for both of you. They mightn't feel they can do it without letting you down. You would likely miss them. But, if you can find a way to support them in this, even though it costs you personally, it may be the most loving gift you could give.

2. Back to basics - Touch

Have you forgotten how you used to touch each other when you were first together, when you couldn't keep your hands off each other? Has it become more routine, more of habit?  I urge you to invest some time rediscovering what each of you now wants and needs in terms of physical touch (hint - it will most probably have changed since you met!).

Would you like your hugs to be longer or more frequent? Or, less frequent? It's totally up to you! Would you like more massage? Would you like sex to include longer periods of touch before you kiss? Would you like to kiss for longer before you make love? Talk about it! Tell each other what you want and need, and take responsibility for expressing your needs, even if you know you want less than your partner wants. Or even if you know you want more than your partner. Have a frank, open and honest conversation.

It doesn’t mean that you will resolve these things immediately but it will enable you to start a negotiation.  And if you feel like you need some help from a professional intimacy therapist send me a DM or give me a call.

3.  Spend more time together / spend less time together (delete as appropriate!)

For some couples spending time together is not an issue.  Maybe you already watch a lot of TV together, visit each other’s families together,  share hobbies and experiences. If this is you, then it could be time for you to develop more separate interests and hobbies. Take a class that you’ve never taken before, or join a group you're interested in, and come back and share with your partner what you discover about yourself.

If you are a couple who spend a lot of time in your separate jobs,  have separate friends, and do separate hobbies and interests, then this year it’s likely the time for you to stretch into a shared interest.  Can you commit to spending some together?  Schedule a regular date night or take a class together and come home and share your discoveries.

4. Admire each other

Many relationships become lacklustre because each partner takes the other one for granted.  Many clients tell me that one of the biggest turn-ons for them is being desired.  Being seen and wanted is super hot.

When was the last time you told your partner how much you admire them, or how attractive you find them?  When did you last comment on the qualities you respect and enjoy about them?  If you are going to add one new habit to your daily routine that will transform your relationship, it is to offer regular specific appreciation.

Saying 'I really appreciate you' or 'I love you' is great. But, much more impactful is to say  'I really appreciate being with someone who is so trustworthy' or 'I really appreciate it when you help with the chores' or  'I really appreciate how you offer me hugs and don’t get triggered even when I don’t want them'.  Get really specific.

This is such a great practice - to recognise all the things your partner does for you that you may be taking for granted.

If you’re reading this and you can’t think of anything then it really is time for a relationship review meeting.

Take turns to each ask for some things that you used to enjoy that you are missing.

An exercise that I love and I use a lot in couples therapy is called 'Keep,  Discard, Introduce'.

Each of you chooses one behaviour would like to keep,  one behaviour would like to discard and one behaviour you would like to introduce.  This can be a really fun and short way to shake up some changes.

5.  Be honest

I recently reread 'Tell Me No Lies' by Ellyn Bader.  It’s a brilliant book about how we subtly deceive each other all the time in the interests of kindness, or keeping the peace, or being seen as good.

I’m not talking about big lies or major betrayals, rather the everyday little lies that build walls between you.  Take the risk of speaking your truth and being authentic with kindness with your partner. Every time you do this, you take a brick out of the wall between you and develop more intimacy. It is the key to long-term happiness. You can be truthful and still be kind.

Wishing you a Very Happy, Loving and Connected New Year,

Nicola