Ask anyone to describe a loving relationship, and the answers you get will vary enormously. But some things pop up again and again.
For David Richo in his book ‘How to be an Adult in Relationships’, there are five key elements that all healthy relationships need - attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. I love discussing these with clients and exploring how each are showing up in their relationship.
Here’s a description of what each means and why it’s such an important element for a healthy, loving relationship.
These key elements were what helped you to develop a healthy ego and self-esteem as a child. They helped you to build your own identity and personality. And as an adult, you need these same key elements in order to keep growing and developing as an adult in a relationship.
If you grew up in a situation where you didn’t receive these key elements, it doesn’t just affect your level of self-esteem as a child, you also bring that deficit into your adult relationships and can find yourself looking for a partner to fill that gap.
Although your partner and others can offer support, if you lean too heavily on others to provide you with those missing elements, you’ll end up building unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. According to Richo we need to be in a position where we can provide those needs for ourselves, at least 75% of the time - especially if we want a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.
So how can you provide them for yourself? By creating self-care rituals that honour you, reading and learning self-development books, talking kindly and treating yourself well. It will also help if you build a supportive network of trusted friends around you and a therapist. A supportive group or community can also assist.
If you’re looking to build a functional, loving adult relationship, you need the five As at its core. They help you create a reciprocal, balanced relationship with your partner. If you’re struggling to find that balance, or need help creating these elements in your life, get in touch. As a Relationship and Intimacy Therapist and Coach, I can help you create a more loving, healthy and sexy relationship with your partner. You can find out more about my services here.
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