The Wheel of Consent - why I love working with it (it's about much, much, more than consent)

The Wheel of Consent

The Wheel of Consent is a practice of taking and receiving, giving and allowing. The Wheel is a model from sexologist and intimacy coach Betty Martin. I think I first came across it at a festival several years ago and I have been recommending it my work ever since. The reason I find it so powerful is that it breaks down an action in to who is doing it and who its for - and in doing so a lot of hidden dynamics are revealed.

Though the Wheel grew out of exchanges of touch, it applies to much, much more than touch. It unpacks power differences and also helps us to find out what it is we want and don't want. For this blog post, we will explore it in the context of touch because that’s a great way to explore and understand it. Before long you may begin to see how it can impact every other area of your life.

The individual quadrants

The Wheel of Consent can be seen as a whole, two halves, and four quadrants. The Wheel separates out who is doing the touch and who the touch is for. So there is a half for who is doing and who is being done to, and a half for giving (it's for for them) and a half for receiving (it's for you).

We can also break it down into four quadrants. These quadrants help you and your partner focus on one thing at a time - your own pleasure, or that of the other person, the act of giving and receiving. The individual quadrants are:

• Giving/serving - You're doing something for someone to provide them with pleasure
• Accepting/receiving - You accept something from someone to get pleasure yourself
• Taking - You're doing something to someone to get pleasure yourself
• Allowing - You allow someone to do something to you for their pleasure.

By bringing a closer focus on each quadrant individually - we can bring more attention and presence to what's happening and this supports being able to really feel what's happening. We can drop fully into the moment rather than trying to be everything and everywhere at once. It also helps us find clarity because  if we try to manage them all in one go, it can get confusing and often overwhelming. In partnered sex, one of the most common problems I see is that both people thinking they are giving and no-one is tuning in to receiving what they want.

The Wheel of Consent open us to up to our vulnerability

Each quadrant is inherently vulnerable, and each has its own specific gifts. As you move around the Wheel, and you move through each the roles of doer, giver, recipient and done-to you open up to feel the possibility of asking for something and not getting it, or offering something and your offer being rejected. It can arouse big feelings. 

And the wheel exposes the shadow of violations of consent. For me, when I did the 'Like A Pro' 5 day training with Betty the penny dropped just how often I was in the 'take' quadrant without consent. Every time I hug my partner - is that hug for me or for him? I take time now to go slow enough to tune in and either verbally or non-verbally ask if he wants to share a hug. 

We need to have conversations to explore actively what our partner really wants - if we are really going to be in consent with giving.

The Wheel of Consent in practice

The Wheel of Consent grew out of two people asking each other two questions - ‘How do you want me to touch you for three minutes?’ and ‘How do you want to touch me for three minutes?’  This is the 3-Minute game, initially created by Harry Faddis, is a beautiful way to play and learn with the Wheel of Consent.

It works this way. Spend 3 minutes with you in one quadrant and your partner in the opposite one. You then move through the Wheel, spending 3 minutes in each quadrant. You can repeat this as often as you like! You both get to experience the different roles - taker, allower, server and acceptor. This also helps you tune into what you want, tune into what your body wants, express your needs and wants and learn how to effectively communicate them with your partner.

When it’s your turn to receive a gift, you take as long as you need to notice what you want, ask for it, and take it in.  And when it’s your turn to give a gift, you set aside what you want, listen to what the other person wants, and decide if it’s a gift you can give within your limits. If it is, you can then give it and feel what it's like to be giving them exactly what they want. (Spoiler alert - it usually feels pretty darn good!)

I usually suggest couples start playing with just the hand and arm available for touch, to begin to feel the gifts and challenges of each quadrant - before moving on to the full body.

Recommended resources

If you’d like to learn more about Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, I recommend Betty Martin’s excellent book - The Art of Giving and Receiving: The Wheel of Consent. It’s available on the Book Depository or Betty's site or other bookstores. You’ll also find great videos on her website teaching on each quadrant and how to play the 3 minute game.

In my upcoming couples programme - Rediscover Intimacy we will dive deeply into the Wheel with live practice sessions and class teachings. Register now for the waitlist to get notified when doors open.