What drives desire? What are the cornerstones of an erotic life? - An introduction to Jack Morin's Erotic Mind

Jack Morin and The Erotic Mind

What drives sexual desire? What turns us on? And what happens after we get our happy ever after?

These are all topics sex therapist Dr Jack Morin explores in his book ‘The Erotic Mind’. For many couples, sexual desire simmers down when they become settled. Some partners may even develop an aversion to being touched, whilst others lose their desire for sex. Because, as Morin explains, feeling close and loved doesn't always equate to sexual desire.

His landmark book suggests that sexual arousal often stems from anxiety, guilt, anger and obstacles. It’s often why unresolved issues can increase passion and desire. Morin describes this as part of The Erotic Equation - attraction plus obstacles equal excitement. It’s why the best sex is often dynamic and unpredictable rather than static and safe.

The 4 cornerstones of an erotic mind

According to Morin there are four cornerstones to eroticism and these give life to arousal and ramp up desire. These four elements known as the Erotic Equation, aren’t in every sexual fantasy, but usually one or more will be there:

1. Longing and anticipation
2. Breaking taboos
3. Searching for power
4. Overcoming ambivalence

These four cornerstones help straddle our feelings of attraction and the desire to overcome obstacles. If we want something, but it's not easy - we want it more.

Cornerstone #1: longing and anticipation

Arousal is heightened when something or someone is unobtainable or may soon be available. This often emerges in childhood and grows throughout adulthood, due to childhood stories based on unobtainable princes or princesses and the attraction we might feel towards parents, teachers, bosses and married friends, etc.

Cornerstone #2: Breaking taboos

We often walk a line between inhibition and excitement and this turns up sexual desire. Thoughts, fantasies, shameful behaviour, and the idea of transgressing are all highly erotic. Shame is a powerful and intense emotion and only serves to increase our fantasies. Stepping outside of socially acceptable, constructed 'norms' can be a turn on. We get a kick out of being 'bad' and part of this is knowing we’ve crossed an invisible sexual boundary.

Cornerstone #3: Searching for power

This cornerstone is about ritualised acting out of dominance and submission, negotiations and exchanges. We often want to overcome feelings of powerlessness in other areas of our lives through sexual strategies and fulfilment. This can take the form of direct action - asserting our sexual will, and/ or as highly refined surrendering - where submission is safe and scripted and allows for a sense of relinquishing control - and being able to let go and give over responsibility to someone else. 

Cornerstone #4: Overcoming ambivalence

This is less intuitive than the other cornerstones but equally powerful. It’s when we develop an attraction to emotionally unavailable or abusive people. We all get hurt or let down, and this can get eroticised as we look to naturalise emotional pain by eroticising aspects of that pain - or being attracted to people who seem wrong to us. It’s often a transient feeling that disappears when we become aroused - the intensity of overcoming someone's ambivalence adds to the sexual excitement. We often let this one play out by getting stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't give us the attention we want or getting a sexual thrill from chasing unavailable partners.

The erotic mind and a recipe for great sex

We all want a loving romantic life, but sexual arousal is fueled by conflict, and sexual desire wants obstacles! According to Morin, the recipe for great sex - is including one or more of these cornerstones.

Anticipation is a turn on and when you add in what is forbidden or not allowed, it only serves to heighten desire.

If you want to ramp up desire in your relationship, it's helpful to pay attention to the eroticism in your sex life. It’s about wanting intimacy and feeling like you know the other person, but at the same appreciating your partner is a complex as individual you won’t ever FULLY know. 

So how do you do that? Start by establishing agreements around the time you have together and the space you need as an individual. Explore your own sexuality and eroticism. Why not do something forbidden together? You could buy a sex game or talk about your fantasies (Pillow Talk from the School of Life is a great card deck to support sex conversations.)

And finally, look to open up some communication about the four cornerstones mentioned above. Get yourself a copy of Morin’s book and explore how to unlock the inner sources of passion and fulfilment in your relationship. You can get yourself a copy of his book ‘The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment’ here.