What is Mismatched Desire?

Mismatched desire is something many couples face in a relationship. When we are first together - hormones and novelty mean that we can often hardly keep our hands off each other. Desire can ebb and flow throughout a relationship, but when one person consistently wants sex more than the other, it can put a strain on a relationship. Quite often, it can bring up questions of whether you are compatible and often couples think there is something wrong and question whether to split up.

This is a real shame because mismatched desire is perfectly normal. It’s common for each of you to have different levels of libido. One myth is that it's always men who have a naturally higher level of desire - and I have worked with lots of couples where the woman is the partner with a higher desire level. And same-sex couples, of course, have differing levels of desire too.

But it’s one thing to know that it’s normal - it’s quite another knowing how to solve it. So here are some pointers to help you find common ground and balance again.

Know that it’s really difficult for both partners

A mismatch in desire can raise all sorts of feelings and behaviours. Being the Lower Desire Partner (LDP), you can often feel pressure to change, or there’s a fear of losing your partner. You may find yourself distancing yourself emotionally and physically, as you fear intimacy may lead to sex, and you feel unable to talk about how you feel.

Yet, so many different things can cause your lack of libido, from trauma and body changes through to stress, tiredness and hormones.

The Higher Desire Partner (HDP) is struggling too. They can feel guilty about wanting to have sex or frustrated at feeling rejected. This can lead to fears around their attractiveness and worry over their partner. There’s also frustration around not knowing what to do to help solve the issue. The HDP can also feel predatory as if they’re constantly chasing something they shouldn't

Both partners feel a sense of loss; a loss of intimacy, a loss around communication and a loss of the early trust in the relationship. Many will even start to question whether they’re compatible anymore or make sex a battleground.

What to do about a mismatch in desire

So what can be done to solve a mismatch in desire? The key is to get help early on in the process. Start by exploring what sex means to each partner. When was sex good? What helped to make it feel safe?

#1: Talk about it

It’s often solvable, with honesty, empathy and collaboration. Talk about your feelings and needs, put yourself in your partner's shoes and see the world from their perspective. Know that it isn’t a problem with either of you as individuals - it’s something most couples contend with at some stage in their relationship.

#2: Explore what you would like that is intimate and close

Sex is so much more than intercourse (I'm always talking about this because so many couples get stuck thinking sex = intercourse) How can you feel closer to each other without having penetrative sex? What else do you enjoy? Mutual masturbation? Toys? Erotic massage? Explore what kind of touch you prefer, what arouses you and take responsibility for asking for what you might like. Touch your own body as well as your partners. Respect each other’s boundaries and communicate what does and doesn’t work for you.

#3: Agree on strategies for initiating and mitigating rejections

Could you switch out evening sex for the morning, or would weekends work better for your both? Agree on strategies for initiating sex, as well as mitigating rejection. For example, rather than a straight no, could you offer an alternative (such as a sexy massage or oral sex)?

A mismatch in desire isn't necessarily a problem. The key is to really communicate with each other, stay curious, stay out of blame and get support and seek inspiration.

For recommended reading on intimacy and desire in your relationship, check out Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship. I’d also recommend Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships - both are by Dr David Schnarch.

And if you’re looking for support with intimacy in your relationship, I can help, I offer couples therapy - book here or my check out my online self-study course for couples - Reigniting Intimacy.