The developmental model
As we know, long-term relationships naturally evolve and change over time. The developmental model identifies the developmental stages a relationship will go through as this happens. It compares those stages in a relationship to the progression of a child going through the early years of development.
What is The Developmental Model?
The Developmental Model was refined by Dr Ellyn Bader and Dr Peter Pearson in the 1980s, drawing on the work of Margaret Mahler, who outlined the early childhood developmental stages of growth.
It focuses on the role of development, not pathology in a relationship. It's a positive, forward-focused approach that can bring quick change to negative patterns in a relationship by focusing on growth, development and being in control of yourself instead of focusing on a partner's failings or faults and pushing them towards change. You focus on taking responsibility for your own life and being the best person you can be, as an individual and in your relationship.
The different stages of the developmental model
Relationships and individuals develop over time. But we don't always change at the same rate as our partner, which can cause potential issues and challenges to arise in a relationship.
The stages identified by Bader are as follows:
Exclusive bonding (Symbiosis)
This is the exciting and loving initial honeymoon period. Each partner begins falling in love as they seek closeness and similarities to unify and bond together. This stage is often the most blissful, romanticised version of a relationship. Each person is focused on seeing the best in each other and overlooking any faults and differences.
Many couples tend to never move on from this stage - and that can lead to feelings of restriction and suffocation. Everything about your partner will impact you and get more irritating, and this can lead to conflict and even hostility in a relationship.
Differentiation
This is the stage where you acknowledge differences and find your "Self" in the relationship. This stage is crucial for finding a way to resolve conflicts and develop levels of acceptance. It's about acknowledging your differences and showing interest in what they think and feel whilst also explaining your own needs - even if you don't want or feel the same.
Exploration
During this stage, each couple is exploring independence. They’re looking to nurture outside friendships and develop competence in areas outside of the relationship as an individual. It's at this stage that self-esteem grows.
Reconnection
Once you've explored your own independence and found your "Self" again, you're able to return to a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship. This level of connection is more intimate, and you have a deeper understanding of each other.
Synergy
This final stage is about embracing intimacy and seeing ways in which you're stronger together. The relationship is deepened as a new level of understanding is reached. Affection and attention are on a more profound level, as you have a practised way of managing your emotions and differences - it's a healthy relationship built on connection and caring. You're building something together yet still have a defined sense of Self.
Individually you’re also going through these stages
These stages are also how each individual is developing, so couples can be at different stages from each other. The developmental model appreciates that a healthy relationship requires each couple to grow as an individual and a couple.
It's therefore important to recognise what stage both partners are at. And this is where a therapist can help. They can help couples understand and work through any issues that arise or are keeping them stuck.
The Developmental Model ultimately helps you form a more mature connection with each other. A mature relationship that includes better communication of thoughts and feelings as well as communicating more effectively.
If you’d like to read more on The Developmental Model, I recommend you get yourself a copy of the book 'Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner-And Yourself-In the 4 Stages of Marriage' by Ellyn Bader and Peter T Pearson. However, do reach out if you’re looking to work through the process or need help moving forward from a particular stage of your relationship.
Working with a therapist can quickly help you move forward and into a stronger relationship with each other. Let’s have an initial consultation to address what you’re struggling with and discuss potential next steps. You can find out more here.
Sign up for my "20 Ways to Rebuild Intimacy" now.
You get 20 tried and tested exercises to rekindle intimacy - with conversation prompts, clearly laid out exercises and discussion guides to help with everyday intimacy, sexual intimacy and bringing back some romance.
