Differentiation In Couples Relationships: When one become two

Differentiation in a relationship

What is differentiation in a relationship? It’s something you absolutely need to know about and implement if you want a healthy, intimate relationship with your partner. It's about how to be connected and close to your partner whilst also being connected to your own thoughts, values and feelings. It’s the ongoing process of growing and developing as both an individual and as part of a couple without losing your identity.

Because, no matter the type of relationship you have, there will always be two forces at play - attachment (or togetherness) and autonomy (or individuality).

What is differentiation?

Differentiation is the ability to balance those two forces. The better able you are to do that, the closer those two forces become and the closer you will feel to your partner.

Attachment & togetherness

This force is pulling you together with a need to belong and be loved. When you’re pulled in too much by this force, you may find yourself minimising your preferences and dulling your personality. This is often driven by a need to be loved and accepted by your partner.

Autonomy & individuality

When this force is pulling, you have a need to be yourself. Over-reliance on this force can look like you are being selfish or insisting that you’re who you are, and making that a take it or leave it scenario.

The benefits of differentiation

When you and your partner can differentiate it's a doorway to feel more authentic and freer in your relationship. You can change and adapt as needed at a rate that suits you. This includes clarifying your boundaries, voicing your needs and managing the emotional and practical elements of your relationship.

With healthy levels of differentiation, you can define a healthy balance between being yourself and being part of a couple - and for every couple, this might look very different.

You’re not worried about losing yourself, so you’re more likely to allow yourself to connect deeper with your partner. You’re able to voice your needs and share more of yourself without fear or control, or disappointment. You also respect your partner for who they are and give them the space to be themselves, too, without it impacting negatively on you or your relationship.

Poor differentiation in a relationship

When you’re poorly differentiated, you find yourself pulled strongly by one of those forces. You’re in an either/or scenario where you feel you have to be together and attached or alone. This is when you feel like you’re losing yourself and your identity because you’re a ‘couple’ or can’t voice your feelings and needs in case you upset the other person.

For anyone who struggles with anxious attachment, differentiating can feel like quite a lot to handle, especially if the relationship has been in the symbiotic stage for a long time. 

How to raise your level of differentiation

If you want to change your level of differentiation the first step is about developing strategies to keep yourself grounded when something activates your attachment system and you feel yourself going into fight or flight.

One very supportive thing you can do is to begin to practise mindfulness or meditation, as these can help us to develop more space for noticing emotions without getting taken over by them.

Also, take time to get to know yourself. Can you notice more about what happens in your body and slow down before reacting (easier said than done!)

Every relationship is a living, breathing evolving organism. Relationships take hard work and negotiation. You’re both growing and changing individually, at different times and developing as a couple. It's normal to face challenges - many couples never even try to differentiate and either the relationship withers away into two people tolerating each other, or a break-up ensues. Differentiation is a challenging relationship stage - but the results are worth the effort.

Sign up for my "20 Ways to Rebuild Intimacy" now. 

You get 20 tried and tested exercises to rekindle intimacy - with conversation prompts, clearly laid out exercises and discussion guides to help with everyday intimacy, sexual intimacy and bringing back some romance.