How to talk about Sex

communication sex life Mar 03, 2022

Communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship. And that’s no different when it comes to your love life. Many couples find it more awkward to talk about sex than to have sex! But if you don’t talk about sex, it becomes the 'elephant in the room'. It may be an awkward thing to talk about, but once you start to talk about it - it gets so much easier!

Intimacy issues are a big problem for many couples. But if you don't share your needs, the less likely you are to have those needs met. When you don't give and receive physical affection, it's hard to connect and feel close with your partner.

When you learn how to please each other you can open the door not only to more pleasure but also more relaxation too. And don't we all need more of that?!

Let’s talk about sex

Most couples don't communicate enough about sex. But it’s never too late! There is little to be gained by getting too caught up in the past. Focus on what you want and what you want to create together - and why it matters to you.

Know when to talk about sex

When is a good time to talk about sex? For some people talking during sex is helpful - but if you never have, it can feel odd to start. For others talking during sex can be challenging and takes them too much into their head. Why not go to bed for an hour then have a meal and a conversation about two things you enjoyed, and one area you could see a way to improve on.

When it comes to talking about your desires and fantasies, it's a good idea to share when turned on. You're more likely to both be feeling more receptive.

Be curious

It's super important not to shame or blame your partner if they risk sharing a desire or fantasy with you. They have most likely had enough anti-sex conditioning already - most of us have! Even if they want something you find distasteful - can you value and validate them anyway? It's ok to not like something for yourself - and be willing to be open and curious about its appeal for them.

Ask your partner to explain their body and the words they like to use to you. Let them explain what types of touch they know have worked for them in the past and what is less enjoyable. Ask your partner how they’d like to give and receive feedback.

Try the Yes/No/Please game. This is a great game to play if you want to practice touch and learn what you like and what your partner likes. Each person takes turns being the giver and the receiver. Simply agree a time in each role - from 10 minutes to 30 minutes is a good starting point. The giver begins touching the receiver, and the receiver then responds in one of four different ways - yes, no, pause, please.

Get the guide to intimacy below which has all the details for playing the Yes/No/Please game.

And when it comes to talking about fantasies, know that it’s ok to have different desires and fantasies too! Share your fantasies and include your partner in them. It's not always about carrying a fantasy out; sometimes, expressing them is plenty of fun by itself.

Be honest and be kind

When you talk about sex, know that you also need to be 100% honest and kind. Focus on what you want to create with each other rather than being judgmental with your feedback.

Sometimes I hear from clients whose sexual partners have complained about their performance. It's taken them a long time to get over.

Look to use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ ones. "I would like more slowness" is much easier to hear than "you're too pushy"

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

Be responsible for your own pleasure. Tell your partner what you like and make requests and offers. Stop thinking that you’re supposed to know what the other person wants without asking. You're not a mindreader! Performance anxiety can show up when you're so busy thinking about pleasing the other person you're not present in the moment.

Finally, understand that your partner isn't a mind reader either. If you don't feel like being sexual. Let them know whilst offering reassurance that you value them.

If you want to learn more about speaking your needs and learning how to talk about sex, I highly recommend the book ‘The Art of Receiving and Giving’ by Dr Betty Martin.

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