Sex and Attachment

attachment sex life Feb 25, 2022

You've read about attachment in relationships. But what about sex and attachment?

How do your attachment styles affect your intimate relationships?

If you’re wondering what attachment styles are then take a look at these blogs:

Sex and attachment styles

Our attachment patterns influence how safe we feel in relationships with other people.

For most of us, sex is a vulnerable situation where we are revealing our innermost selves. So, of course, we want to feel safe.

Many of us numb out with alcohol in order not to feel at all. Some of us find safety through proximity and familiarity. For others, we need to feel a sense of space and freedom to feel safe.

How attachment styles affect your intimate relationships

Anxious preoccupied attachment

Do you struggle with self-esteem in relationships? Or often feel anxious and have a general mistrust of your partner?

People with the Anxious preoccupied style can be prone to seek approval through sex. If sex becomes necessary to fix emotional issues in the relationship - that's a red flag.

Anxious preoccupied folks often also struggle with jealousy and fear of rejection. This can show up in various ways - from anger and mistrust to clinginess, and over-dependence on their lover. For help with jealousy check out my blog.

Mindset work to develop your inner confidence and self-assurance are key. What would help you to come to sex from a place of empowerment? Make a list of all the qualities that make you a loving partner.

Anxious avoidant attachment

Do you fear being smothered by a partner? Do you like a lot of space and freedom?

Avoidant attachment and the desire to control often go together. When you fear intimacy, casual or emotion-free sex can feel like the safest option. You may even prefer to abstain from sex or use porn.

The path to a more secure style of relating is to explore closeness, whilst communicating your need to take space. Negotiation is key here. Can you stay 1% longer in connection each time and see what happens?

Disorganised/fearful-avoidant attachment

Do you feel unworthy of being loved? Do you resonate with both high anxiety and avoidance behaviours?

People with a disorganised style often swing from one extreme passion to shut down. Trust is very hard, and casual or emotional-free sex may feel most safe. Go very slow with a new partner and find ways to create as much safety as possible. It's super important to share with them what support you need to soothe if you get triggered.

Sex and secure attachment

Feeling secure in intimate relationships means experiencing lower levels of anxiety. You may find that you are often the one having to turn the other cheek. It's important to let your partner that sometimes you need to be held and reassured too.

You may also need to push to experiment and build more erotic tension and not get stuck in a rut.

Sex and attachment resources

Any combination of attachment styles can work together. It takes time, commitment and hard work. For more support around attachment, check out one of my personal favourite books:

The Power Of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller.

If you're experiencing sexual misunderstandings, consider getting some support from a sex therapist. If you’d like to explore how this would look and what it may involve, do get in touch or connect with me below:

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